Dear Mystery Readers

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the people who have:

1) Stuck by me through everything
2) Been semi-absent, but I still know care
3) Allowed me to learn and grow as a person. You have made me realize how much I appreciate the people in the first two categories.

This is Me.

I'm doing it.
I'm keeping track of my process, making goals for myself and I actually feel like I am accomplishing something.
I feel happier. I am going to be one of those people that will get lost in an old pair of jeans and feel comfortable in my own skin.
I've lost 5 pounds, and I am going to keep going.

Low Battery

5%...
Lately I have been feeling like a bad friend. A couple of key people have asked me to hang out but I can't because of homework. It's ridiculous how the last couple of weeks of school really does consume your life.
4%...
I have about three weeks of school left, and then exams start. The holiday season is right around the corner, and I couldn't be more excited.
3%...
I can't believe it. It has gone by so fast! It was like one day I was waking up, taking the train to come to school and now I am almost done my first semester... it is so crazy how fast time has passed.
2%...
Shit, I really should be heading to class right now.
1%...
My laptop is going to die any second...
I'm sorry to all of those who feel neglected by me. I really don't mean it. We'll talk soon, I promise. Until then, like my lap top, I am running on "low battery" to get everything done and make sure that I do well in the process.

blueberry muffin & a large double-double coffee.

No more.
I have decided to go on strike. Tim Hortons, thanks for the good times but I will no longer be buying food from you. I have noticed that I have become too dependent on my morning coffee before school, my occasional bagel-cream cheese or muffin and recently their soup.
Besides spending the money, I'm sure my body could use not consuming those extra calories.

After another memorable night just sitting around and talking with Alex, I came home to my warm bed with a head full of thoughts. Obviously, I won't be sharing them over blog but one thing that stuck out for me is my love for food. In order to live, you need nourishment- food and water. It's funny how something that I need to keep me alive is also killing me. I KNOW that I have said this about a trillion times, and even I am tired of hearing it... but I need to lose some weight. I'm going to do it. I want to feel proud of myself instead of self conscious of my love-handles. I am such a strong, driven person but for some reason this has always been a barrier for me. I just can't seem to jump the hurdle and do it. I will now though because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is costing me my happiness, and nothing can take that away from me.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly...

I found myself looking through my photos again on Facebook. I like to do that sometimes, just go through old albums and reminisce about amazing memories that I've had with even better people. The thing is, looking back on those photographs, I get quite sad.

During the nine months that I was off school, I had tremendous freedom. I had never worked full time and had never experienced this care-free lifestyle before. It was new and exciting. I must admit though, once the nine months was coming to an end and University was my next challenge, I was quite excited. Looking back on it though, I really do miss the life that I had before school started up. Don't get me wrong, I love being in school and I adore all the opportunities I have been offered by being at JMSB... I just miss it. I don't even know how to describe the feeling, it's weird.

I feel like the world is passing me by, in a blur and I feel disconnected from certain friends because I don't see them as often as I would if I were not in school. I find myself refusing plans or seeing my family less because I have homework to do. I sometimes feel like a bad person because school has become my priority. I find myself missing people even if I had just seen them. I spend a lot of my time alone with music as my only companion. I'm not deprived, I mean I do see people once or twice a week, but it's not like before.
I want to pack my bags and go on vacation; I want to do things!

Getting back to school has been quite the shock for me since I was used to a certain lifestyle for almost a year. I used to wake up in the morning and think "what am I going to do today?" Now, I am up at 5:45am to catch a train, metro and go to school. I think it's the routine that's bugging me the most.

Time is ticking, and I can't keep up with it. For now though, I just have to embrace what I have, do well in my studies and look forward to summer vacation. New memories will be made, and a new photo album will be created to keep me going through the next school year.

before I start doing my homework...

It's amazing how a weekend can open your mind to new things and change you.
I can honestly say, that this weekend has probably been the most BITTERsweet weekends that I have had in a long time.

I have learned that...
- Things that can be replaced are NEVER worth causing problems over
- A night with the girls heals me. <3
- Words hurt, yelling rips me apart but silence is even worse. Stop pretending that things are okay!
- I know the truth, whether you choose to believe it, is another story.
- Knowing that you're there for me, means more than words could describe... even if you don't know what happened.
- A hug from my Mom, fixes just about everything

The cold air kisses her cheek, she feels empty. She is reminded of times where smiles were not forced and the sun lit up her face. The ocean soothed her and people cared. She was free.

A Late Night Blog Post

It all boils down to one question... what am I doing wrong?

Exhibit A: Love Life. Epic Fail.
I can honestly say that I am probably the only girl my age that has never had opportunity to be in a relationship with someone. Yeah sure, I've had my high school crushes, but it stops there. Most people tell me "don't worry about it! Your turn is soon, and when it happens he'll be here to stay." Yeah well, you know what I have to say to that? Prove it. I don't know what it's like to have butterflies in my stomach when I see "him". I've never heard the words "I like you." It's quite a sad thought...

Exhibit B: Friends. They are sweet, while I am bitter.
Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't play "the chasing game." It's a very rare thing to receive a phone call asking me how I am doing, or what I am up to. Most of the time I have to fit myself in other people's schedules because they are busy with other things. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming them for having more of an exciting life than I am, but don't leave me in the dark. I love the people in my life, and I wouldn't change my group of friends for anything but sometimes I feel like a handbag: goes with some outfits, but otherwise won't be worn.

Exhibit C: Physical Appearance. Love handles are not lovely
Will power, non existent. Confidence, invisible. Food, eaten in moderation but seems to be sticking to me like glue no matter what. I wish I could practice what Mika sings "Big Girls You Are Beautiful." Yeah...ok.

Exhibit D: School Work Who knew? University = Stress?
I have become a professional Homework Hermit. Yup, that's me! I feel like homework is consuming my life and eating away at my freedom. There is so much that I wish I could do instead of cramming useless Microeconomics theories into my brain. Hard work does pay off, and I am getting good grades but I know deep down... I can do better.

So where does all this ranting bring me? I don't know. There isn't much that I can do about my current situation but look into fate's eyes and go with it.