Spontaneous Vacation

38 Days 

Booked a spontaneous vacation with two of my good friends, Mandy and Kim. I'm counting down the days until I get to lie on the beach and just relax :) 

People criticize me for going on vacation so often... It keeps me sane. If I could, I would get up and leave for much longer, trust me.

Here is where we're going to be staying in Varadero, Cuba!

MEMORIES VARADERO BEACH RESORT

Your secret is safe with me...

This is probably going to be the most honest I have been in a long time, but I feel like I need to be. It's part of the process, and for those that are out there reading this that are facing the same challenges as me - read and learn.

I started this month on such a good foot. I received a phone call from the owner of my fitness studio saying that all my hard work in November/December paid off and that I won the Little Black Dress Contest. I had successfully lost 10.5lbs in a month, about 15 inches off my whole body and was at my lowest weight since probably high school. I was thrilled. Not only do I never win anything, it was so enlightening to see that every minute I put in at the gym was showing results.

Then, I don't know what happened. Slowly, I just gave into temptation, and I began feeding my body food that I wouldn't normally eat. I would snack because I was bored, and come home feeling hungry and eat until I went to bed feeling full. As soon as people would go to bed, I would raid the cupboards and find something to eat... Often, I would have two snacks because salty food always tasted better after being complemented with sweet (and vice-versa). I felt like if I ate and no one saw me doing it, I wouldn't be guilty. I was only fooling myself. Secret eating is nothing to be proud of, and I realize that this has been my downfall from the beginning. I have no problem getting the exercise done, it's the nutrition part that I have always struggled with. Even at that, I would like to think that I know what kind of healthy choices to make, but for some reason, come nightfall I always get super hungry and that's when I make all the bad choices and essentially sabotage my body.

All this to say, the 10lbs that I lost in November/December are back. I gained each one of them back in January. When I stepped on the scale yesterday I almost burst into tears, but I used it more as a lesson to myself. I was so MAD that I let myself just waste away like that. Was anything that I ate worth it? Not one bit. They say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and I firmly believe that; but then, why did I let myself ruin my past success?

I wish I had an answer.

I gave myself a challenge to be at my goal weight for my birthday. As I look at the calendar, I realize that it's virtually impossible to lose about 45lbs in 60 days.

I think my problem is that I am concentrating on awarding myself once I cross the finish line and I am forgetting that if I focus on achieving small goals, I'll eventually attain the big goal.

THE PLAN:

February 7: -2lbs

February 14: -3lbs

February 21: no weigh in (FLORIDA!!!)

February 28: -5lbs (two weeks of work, since I won't be weighing myself on the 21st)

March 6: -2lbs

March 13: -2lbs

March 20: -2lbs

March 27: -2lbs

April 3: -5lbs (Birthday present to myself! I will push myself even more this week because I will want to make my last weigh-in before my birthday count)

Total: ~23lbs

-- With that in mind, I should be in the 170's... Let's do it!

Another thing that I am going to start doing, and I have to give credit to Melissa for this, is start a food/fitness journal. I use MyFitnessPal on a frequent basis and I also have a dry-erase board on my wall that I keep track of everything, but I think that if I start actually taking the time to write my feelings down it'll sway me away from temptation. Instead of hitting the fridge or the pantry, I'll take out my notebook and write how I am feeling down. I think this will be therapeutic and help me quite a bit. I feel like I am entering my own version of a rehab centre... receiving healing treatment for my addiction with food. At the end of the day, I have let myself become an emotional eater that does her damage in secret.

... I'm reading back on everything that I wrote and I'm getting upset that I let myself do this again I'm tired of making promises to myself and not following through with it.

Okay, enough sulking. Time to do this.

my favourite song will tell you more than my mouth ever will.

It's 1:18am and my alarm is going off in 4.75hrs for work.

I don't know what's wrong with me... there's something about the night time and sleeping that brings out this whole other side of me.

i used to be the type of person who would fall asleep as soon as my head would hit the pillow
Lately, it takes everything for me to put my mind to rest and fall asleep. I stare at the ceiling and think...and think some more.
If someone were to ask me what's wrong, I wouldn't know what to tell them. But there is... I just haven't figured it out completely

TWO ZERO ONE TWO

Goals and resolutions for 2012:

1) Finally achieve my goal weight of ~150lbs (Lose 35-40lbs) by my Birthday (April 3) OR by the summer at the latest

PART ONE:

I'm really serious about this. I have had this in mind for the last two years, and I haven't been really strict about achieving it. Now that I have gotten into the mindset that I can actually do it, nothing can stop me now.

How I plan to do it:

- Going to the gym at least three times/week (35 minutes elliptical training + weights) in addition to any classes I take

- Fitness classes

• Zumba at school Monday & Wednesday
• Spinning classes at the gym Wednesday & Friday
• Boot-camp, Zumba and Yoga classes at Cielo whenever I can

- Tracking my meals and food intake by using My Fitness Pal

- Dry Erase Board in my room. I put this up in November and it has really helped me keep track of the exercise I am doing every day, my weigh in dates, goals and milestones.

- When it gets warmer, I am going to start running again. I have never particularly enjoyed running on the treadmill, so I think I will make the best progress once Spring comes.

- Keeping myself motivated through others. One of my friend's is also overweight and she told me the other night that she is ready for a "lifestyle change". Well, we'll change our lives together.

I'm also a huge (no pun intended...) fan of the Biggest Loser, and watching the show really motivates me.

PART TWO:

Reward myself for my accomplishments

... Can you tell that this is important to me?

2) Graduate from University

Wow... this is a scary thought. The "real" world is approaching so fast. It's crazy to think that one year from now I will have graduated and have my bachelor's degree.

3) Read 20 books: Five out of the twenty must be read using my Kobo Reader

So, I didn't do as well as I would have hoped last year with this type of goal, but I'm going to give it another shot...

4) Go on three vacations

- Orlando, Florida (February 2012)

- ______________ (Summer 2012)

- ______________ (????)

I would really like to go back to NYC, so maybe I'll make that happen this year.

5) Become a runner

This is an interesting goal because I have never particularly enjoyed running but I always imagine myself doing it. I know that makes little sense, but it's true. There is something about going for a jog that is just liberating and it really clears my mind.

Here are my running goals for the year:

- Participate in the CIBC Run for the Cure; 5km (October 2012) Goal: <30 mins

- Run the Oasis Half Marathon; 21km (September 23 2012) Goal: Finish Strong

- Run 365km through out the year... One for every day.

6) Clean, organize and redecorate my room

For most people their bedroom is a place of relaxation... almost like a sanctuary. For me, recently, it's become a place to sleep. I have things EVERYWHERE and it's so unorganized. I always tell myself that I am going to clean it but I never get around to it because "better" things get in the way. I really need to sort through everything and give away what I can and throw away what I can't. Once all that is done, I want to print out a bunch of pictures and recreate my space.

7) Continue to "give back"

Over this last year, I have really found my passion for charity work. I have always enjoyed organizing events and giving back to the community, but I feel like last year, especially with CASA Cares, this passion has strengthened.

The plan:

- Donate blood at least five times

In 2011, I overcame my fear of blood tests. On a random afternoon I decided to give my first donation and although I was terrified I did it. I was so happy that I did once I found out that I have an O- blood type and I am universal blood donor. I gave three donations in 2011.

- Donate at least $15000 to the Montreal Children's Hospital (CASA Cares Fashion Show: March 2012)

- Encourage friends who are participating in charity events by giving them a donation

- Become involved somehow with the Canadian Obesity Foundation

- Donate my hair to the CanDonate Hair Program that provides children (under 16 years old) with cancer a wig

8) Go on my first first date

I'd rather not discuss this one... I always joke about dying alone, breeding cats, getting a creaky rocking chair and a shot gun for my porch, but at the end of the day, this whole "romance" topic upsets me. I'm turning 23 this year...

9) Hand-write a letter to myself and open it a year from now

*Credit to Melissa and Jenia for this idea*

I think it would be pretty cool to see how I change this year. I have a feeling that 2012 will bring tons of amazing things, and it'll be fun to look back on what I was thinking about on the first day of the year.

10) Be happy.

I know this is a pretty ridiculous goal to have. What does it even mean to be happy? We spend a good portion of our lives pursuing this feeling. So many people are driven to "live life to its fullest" and have "no regrets", but at the end of the day, do we?

This year - as much as I adore helping others and being generous - I really want to focus on myself a little more. Often, I put aside my feelings and needs to satisfy those of other people. I'm not saying this a bad thing, nor do I intend on stopping that completely because it's part of who I am, but I am tired of giving to those that don't necessarily deserve that extra treatment. Winning the "the person with the biggest heart" award at my work Christmas party in 2011 was an amazing feeling, and no one can take that away from me. I am who I am.

I want to be able to be surrounded by people that love me just as much as I do them. Friendships aren't one sided. To me, my friends are my family.

As much as I love to care, in certain situations I have to stop. I've learned over the last couple of months that I'm not a miracle-worker, nor a fairy godmother. I can't wave a magic wand and heal people's problems. I can listen. I can give advice. I can't fix the un-fixable. I have to remember that.

I love taking pictures. People that I go out with are often annoyed that I am always capturing the moments that we're sharing, others just smile for the camera and enjoy it. I won't change that about myself, and I plan to continue taking pictures through out the year. It makes me happy.

I want to avoid unnecessary drama, and try and live a zen life. I don't want to become careless but carefree, there's a difference. Negativity won't get you anywhere, and complaining will only make you sink. Open up your eyes, the world is a beautiful place.

I want to look back on 2012 and say to myself "Yep, I did it right."

Happy New Year to everyone who took the time to read this. May 2012 bring you lots of health and happiness!