Your secret is safe with me...

This is probably going to be the most honest I have been in a long time, but I feel like I need to be. It's part of the process, and for those that are out there reading this that are facing the same challenges as me - read and learn.

I started this month on such a good foot. I received a phone call from the owner of my fitness studio saying that all my hard work in November/December paid off and that I won the Little Black Dress Contest. I had successfully lost 10.5lbs in a month, about 15 inches off my whole body and was at my lowest weight since probably high school. I was thrilled. Not only do I never win anything, it was so enlightening to see that every minute I put in at the gym was showing results.

Then, I don't know what happened. Slowly, I just gave into temptation, and I began feeding my body food that I wouldn't normally eat. I would snack because I was bored, and come home feeling hungry and eat until I went to bed feeling full. As soon as people would go to bed, I would raid the cupboards and find something to eat... Often, I would have two snacks because salty food always tasted better after being complemented with sweet (and vice-versa). I felt like if I ate and no one saw me doing it, I wouldn't be guilty. I was only fooling myself. Secret eating is nothing to be proud of, and I realize that this has been my downfall from the beginning. I have no problem getting the exercise done, it's the nutrition part that I have always struggled with. Even at that, I would like to think that I know what kind of healthy choices to make, but for some reason, come nightfall I always get super hungry and that's when I make all the bad choices and essentially sabotage my body.

All this to say, the 10lbs that I lost in November/December are back. I gained each one of them back in January. When I stepped on the scale yesterday I almost burst into tears, but I used it more as a lesson to myself. I was so MAD that I let myself just waste away like that. Was anything that I ate worth it? Not one bit. They say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and I firmly believe that; but then, why did I let myself ruin my past success?

I wish I had an answer.

I gave myself a challenge to be at my goal weight for my birthday. As I look at the calendar, I realize that it's virtually impossible to lose about 45lbs in 60 days.

I think my problem is that I am concentrating on awarding myself once I cross the finish line and I am forgetting that if I focus on achieving small goals, I'll eventually attain the big goal.

THE PLAN:

February 7: -2lbs

February 14: -3lbs

February 21: no weigh in (FLORIDA!!!)

February 28: -5lbs (two weeks of work, since I won't be weighing myself on the 21st)

March 6: -2lbs

March 13: -2lbs

March 20: -2lbs

March 27: -2lbs

April 3: -5lbs (Birthday present to myself! I will push myself even more this week because I will want to make my last weigh-in before my birthday count)

Total: ~23lbs

-- With that in mind, I should be in the 170's... Let's do it!

Another thing that I am going to start doing, and I have to give credit to Melissa for this, is start a food/fitness journal. I use MyFitnessPal on a frequent basis and I also have a dry-erase board on my wall that I keep track of everything, but I think that if I start actually taking the time to write my feelings down it'll sway me away from temptation. Instead of hitting the fridge or the pantry, I'll take out my notebook and write how I am feeling down. I think this will be therapeutic and help me quite a bit. I feel like I am entering my own version of a rehab centre... receiving healing treatment for my addiction with food. At the end of the day, I have let myself become an emotional eater that does her damage in secret.

... I'm reading back on everything that I wrote and I'm getting upset that I let myself do this again I'm tired of making promises to myself and not following through with it.

Okay, enough sulking. Time to do this.